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HAHAHA twilight

JFYI, JH and I hate Twilight. We believe it’s the worst piece of literature that has recently captured the imagination of the public. Unfortunately it appears more than 50% of the world begs to differ with that opinion. This post however can be seen both ways: a celebration of the trashiness of Twilight or a fete of the artistry of the fans of ~sexy~ vampires.

This post first started very innocently when I was surfing etsy to look for a new wallet when I stumbled upon this gem:

USD 14 from ThumpersTreasures

My mouth literally went dry at the wonderful creation! It was Twilight! It had tiled book cover images! It had a picture of Edward Cullen/Robert Pattinson! OMG WIN. The inside lining is black too! So dark! So goth! Like the story! Omg! MORE WIN!

This excellent piece of artwork made me want to go out and seek more fine pieces!


USD 18.50 by essenceoftwilight

Then I found this toiletry set! After all, who wouldn’t want to smell like a hot ~sexy~ vampire? ^_^ Nevermind that no one actually know how Edward Cullen smells because he is a fictional character! What next? Cthulhu perfume?

However what if smelling Edward Cullen isn’t enough for you? Then purchase this glow in the dark soap and rub his face all over your orifices! Pretend he’s really there, soaping you up. WINK WINK~


USD 5.50 from dugshop

If that isn’t enough, why not retire to your room where Edward Cullen awaits to greet you for your ~sparkly!~ entrance into your dark lair where the vampires like you reside?


USD 6 from puppet

Of course being the awesomely dark vampire you are, you must dress like one too! If you’re flat broke and can’t go out and buy a new entirely black and blood red wardrobe, then why not try this iron on patch that proudly proclaims you’re a ballerina vampire ^_^


USD 3 from lizmiera

Of course if you have a bit more to splurge, then the sky’s the limit! So why not try this awesome twilight inspired (what else?) charm bracelet?


USD 120.99 from poetsummer

If you lean a bit to the arty organic side (why not, after all Edward IS a vegetarian vampire), why not try this screen printed canvas bag showing your great love for Mr Edward Cullen… after your initial flings with Dracula (too un-vegetarian for you) and the like.


USD 12 by thefunkyflower

We musn’t forget neck pieces too, because after all necks are the most important part to vampires! To attract a vampire nearby you to sink his/her fangs into your soft never-been-touched-by-the-sun-and-in-desperate-need-of-vitamin-D-skin, why not draw their attention to your love of vampires by wearing this piece?

For more versatility, it’s printed on a dog tag too! So vampire Afghanistan and Iraq stationed soldiers can join in the fun too!~


USD 5 by QBTots

We musn’t of course forget all the little vampire babies running around named Renesmee or some odd derivative. They too can join in their vampric love of Edward Cullen by proclaiming it on their little bellies! Nevermind that vampire babies are considered evil in twilight lore and must be destroyed! (I read the wiki when I was bored in work. Had to stifle the disparaging laughter.)

USD 15 by malenahandbags

However the best is invariably saved for the last. Look at the image below, does it seem a little odd to you? Look closer, guess why.


USD 8 by MyMagicMe

That’s right, that’s not Bella Swan there! It’s some horrible interloper pretending to be Bella Swan! :O :O :O for all you die hards there, why not purchase a special shoop of yourself and Edward in it? Nevermind that he only has eyes for Bella Swan, you can PRETEND to be Bella Swan! :O Isn’t it thrilling? Isn’t it thrillingly stupid?

Oh twilight.

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10 Songs About Sex

Let’s admit it, sex is everyone’s favourite scandalous topic. Whether you’re liberal or conserative it’s the number one topic to talk about. From decrying it to using it as a tool to show how modern! and open minded! you are, it’s simply the most in vogue topic of this era. Thus this presents my list of today: 10 Songs About Sex, split into equal parts fail and win based on creativity and subtlety.

WIN

1. Santana – Satellite (feat. Jorge Moreno)

Lyrics: “Baby, I’m gonna put your skin on mine/Be inside you all my life”

A farely obscure song, this comes from the Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights soundtrack. Sung to Santana’s 1337 guitar, the song screams Cuba. Unfortunately I can’t find this on youtube.

2. Maroon 5 – Sweetest Goodbye

Lyrics: “Pushing forward and arching back/Bring me closer to heart attack”

I LOLed like hell at first when I realised the lyrics to the song. You might say I have a dirty mind, but those lines were highly dodgy. This also comes from yet another soundtrack – Love Actually.

3. Kelis – Milkshake

Lyrics: Er, none in particular.

I actually really hate this song. I got very annoyed when it came out. However I must admit no song ever captured the public’s mind for dodginess so well. I remember the abnormally large number of phone calls to the radio station by listeners asking it Milkshake really meant oral sex. Thus, as much as I hate it, this is a win.

4. Gunter – Ding Dong Song

Lyrics: “Oh you touch my tralala” and “Mmmm, my ding ding dong”

I never laughed so hard listening to a song. Someone first sent this to me when I was 15. I died. For some reason this video appears to have the techno version, but this makes his deep I AM HORNY voice sound more LOL.

5. Bloodhound Gang – The Bad Touch

Lyrics: “Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about”, “So put your hands down my pants and I’ll bet you’ll feel nuts”, “So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel” and alot alot more

I can’t believe I almost forgot about this song. As if the lyrics weren’t dodgy enough, even the music video is filled with sexual allusions. People singing about sex and dressed up as monkeys = win.

FAIL

1. Lil’ Kim – Magic Stick (feat 50 cent)

Lyrics:”And I’ll show you maaagic/(What? What?) Maaagic/I got the magic stick”, “I got the magic clit/I know If I get licked once, I can get licked twice”

Because I hate the song so much and couldn’t find the original, here’s the chipmunk version:

I didn’t even know where to begin when I saw the lyrics. Subtlety fail. And it’s rap, more fail.

2. Lil’ Jon – Get Low

Lyrics: “Pop yo pussy on the pole do yo thang baby” and “Now bring it back up clap yo ass like hands”

Admittedly not actually about the sexual act itself, this song depicts (I think) a visit to the local strip joint. Still it’s got a rather important claim to fame: Chris Rock’s standup comedy routine on rap.

3. 50 Cent – Candy Shop

Lyrics: “I’ll let you lick the lollipop/Go ‘head girl don’t you stop/Keep going till you hit the spot” and alot alot more

This actually reminds me of a divorce case which involves an extra-marital affair. In it, the wife alleges the husband uses “ice cream” to allude to oral sex with his mistress. This one instead uses lollipops instead. That’s some nasty shit going on in there.

4. Samwell – What What (In the Butt)

Lyrics: “You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt?/Lets do it in the butt, okay…” and “All I want is your big fat seed/Give it to me if you please, give it to me, if you please.”

Please watch this video. It is equal parts disturbing, lol and absurd. JH first saw this video and showed it to me. It has stayed in my mind ever since. Words fail me. On the other hand it is so openly camp! and gay! that it might just be a win.

5. Billy Idol – Rebel Yell

Lyrics: “She cried more, more, more/With a rebel yell”

Actually the only reason this song is in fail is because I almost had to sing it on Guitar Hero, and thus have been mildly traumatised about how close I came to singing about a woman having orgasms in front of my male friends. Awkward much? Still this song makes me cringe to no end for it’s cheesy yet obviously sexual innuendos.

Melodie’s Top 5 Music LOL List

(In no particular order, because I’m lazy that way)

1. Monty Python’s Every Sperm is Sacred

This is actually a clip taken from The Meaning of Life. As usual it’s not only superficially amusing, it’s also a clever social commentary and parody rolled into one. I also love the well coordinated dancing and the sheer wtf-ness of seeing little girls sing about how ‘sperm is good’. Ahhh Monty Python.

2. Dying Fetus’s Kill Your Mother Rape Your Dog

With a name like that, how can you not be amused? Then there is the parody music video which is so incongruous and irrelevant that it’s beyond awesome. Plus points for featuring the Bear in the Big Blue House.

3. Riskay’s Smell Yo Dick

I’m actually compelled to leave no explanation for this one, because that title alone is enough to catapult it to LOL-hell. Instead I shall leave you with some choice lyrics:

“Why you coming home five in the mone (morning)
Something’s going on, can I smell yo dick?
Don’t play me like a fool cause dat ain’t cool
So what you need to do is let me smell yo dick”

4. Deefhoof’s Come See The Duck

This actually starts out promisingly with normal sounding riffs that kind of stay in your head… THEN BOOM! weird nonsensical mandarin (or some vague East Asian origin) accented COME SEE THE DUCK starts chanting. It also helps that watching this video is like some awesome acid trip.

5. Nighwish’s Wishmaster

Yes I know this is old, but somehow it endures and never fails to crack me up. Taaaa!