10 Songs About Sex

Let’s admit it, sex is everyone’s favourite scandalous topic. Whether you’re liberal or conserative it’s the number one topic to talk about. From decrying it to using it as a tool to show how modern! and open minded! you are, it’s simply the most in vogue topic of this era. Thus this presents my list of today: 10 Songs About Sex, split into equal parts fail and win based on creativity and subtlety.

WIN

1. Santana – Satellite (feat. Jorge Moreno)

Lyrics: “Baby, I’m gonna put your skin on mine/Be inside you all my life”

A farely obscure song, this comes from the Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights soundtrack. Sung to Santana’s 1337 guitar, the song screams Cuba. Unfortunately I can’t find this on youtube.

2. Maroon 5 – Sweetest Goodbye

Lyrics: “Pushing forward and arching back/Bring me closer to heart attack”

I LOLed like hell at first when I realised the lyrics to the song. You might say I have a dirty mind, but those lines were highly dodgy. This also comes from yet another soundtrack – Love Actually.

3. Kelis – Milkshake

Lyrics: Er, none in particular.

I actually really hate this song. I got very annoyed when it came out. However I must admit no song ever captured the public’s mind for dodginess so well. I remember the abnormally large number of phone calls to the radio station by listeners asking it Milkshake really meant oral sex. Thus, as much as I hate it, this is a win.

4. Gunter – Ding Dong Song

Lyrics: “Oh you touch my tralala” and “Mmmm, my ding ding dong”

I never laughed so hard listening to a song. Someone first sent this to me when I was 15. I died. For some reason this video appears to have the techno version, but this makes his deep I AM HORNY voice sound more LOL.

5. Bloodhound Gang – The Bad Touch

Lyrics: “Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about”, “So put your hands down my pants and I’ll bet you’ll feel nuts”, “So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel” and alot alot more

I can’t believe I almost forgot about this song. As if the lyrics weren’t dodgy enough, even the music video is filled with sexual allusions. People singing about sex and dressed up as monkeys = win.

FAIL

1. Lil’ Kim – Magic Stick (feat 50 cent)

Lyrics:”And I’ll show you maaagic/(What? What?) Maaagic/I got the magic stick”, “I got the magic clit/I know If I get licked once, I can get licked twice”

Because I hate the song so much and couldn’t find the original, here’s the chipmunk version:

I didn’t even know where to begin when I saw the lyrics. Subtlety fail. And it’s rap, more fail.

2. Lil’ Jon – Get Low

Lyrics: “Pop yo pussy on the pole do yo thang baby” and “Now bring it back up clap yo ass like hands”

Admittedly not actually about the sexual act itself, this song depicts (I think) a visit to the local strip joint. Still it’s got a rather important claim to fame: Chris Rock’s standup comedy routine on rap.

3. 50 Cent – Candy Shop

Lyrics: “I’ll let you lick the lollipop/Go ‘head girl don’t you stop/Keep going till you hit the spot” and alot alot more

This actually reminds me of a divorce case which involves an extra-marital affair. In it, the wife alleges the husband uses “ice cream” to allude to oral sex with his mistress. This one instead uses lollipops instead. That’s some nasty shit going on in there.

4. Samwell – What What (In the Butt)

Lyrics: “You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt?/Lets do it in the butt, okay…” and “All I want is your big fat seed/Give it to me if you please, give it to me, if you please.”

Please watch this video. It is equal parts disturbing, lol and absurd. JH first saw this video and showed it to me. It has stayed in my mind ever since. Words fail me. On the other hand it is so openly camp! and gay! that it might just be a win.

5. Billy Idol – Rebel Yell

Lyrics: “She cried more, more, more/With a rebel yell”

Actually the only reason this song is in fail is because I almost had to sing it on Guitar Hero, and thus have been mildly traumatised about how close I came to singing about a woman having orgasms in front of my male friends. Awkward much? Still this song makes me cringe to no end for it’s cheesy yet obviously sexual innuendos.

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