I’ve recently started online shopping again with the worry of examination results well and truly over (now I just have university to worry about). It started initially with a want to reward myself for having completed the long process of 12 years of education, but somehow again it’sboiled over into a mild obsession. Thus I found myself wandering over to my old friend, GoJane.com to see if they had cheap nice looking boots (which they did). However as I started scrolling down the number of shout-out-loud ugly shoes kept screaming at me and sticking in my mind. I soon found myself mentally compiling a list and cursing the wastage of materials on bad design and fashion sense. I knew in my heart that if I never wrote down a list, these shoes would haunt me the rest of my waking days. Thus I present to you: GoJane Ugly Shoes Part 2.
(From L-R, top to down)
1. It’s my old foe, gladiator Fiece shoes again. WHY WHY WHY will this trend simply not die a quick as fast death is a mystery to me. To the credit of females everywhere, I’ve been seeing them less and less when I go out.
2. It’s a thong! No it’s a legwarmer! No it’s both! It’s almost as if someone tried to combine a really bad old retro idea with current fashion styles to try and spark off a revival – and failed abysmally.
3. Even though I hate Gladiators, I usually pardon them because they’re so widespread and everywhere. I figure if the masses of humanity like it, perhaps there is something to it that I’m just not getting (or maybe not). But this! This is beyond me. It is inexcusable. It’s almost as if the design team ran out of ideas and decided to combine stilettos and gladiators.
4. I have never before been assailed by so many variations of tacky in one small compact boot before. First there is the gold at the toe box of the shoe, then there’s the random silver studs placed all over the vamp and ankle, the multiple animal prints all haphazardly strung together, the leather thong/lacing that goes all over the animal print and finally the fact that the heel is a menacingly long, thin and murder weapon-esque. Your average streetwalker wouldn’t touch this with a ten foot pole.
5. & 6. 5 was originally the one that prompted me to start GoJane ugly 2. I thought it was the absolute worst thing that existed on the plant, then I saw 6. Again this is yet another concept that screams laziness and lack of any imagination whatsoever, resulting in absolute ugliness and tackiness. The only person that I think would ever wear this is this charmingly lady in her wedding dress:
7. This shoe is a bit like 2. It’s got the whole bastard child of a legwarmer thing going for it but it differs in that while the other was a more bearable but dodgy kitten heel, this one has the heel of a stiletto. I’d really like to know who would wear such a monstrosity.
8. Aieeeee! As if the trend of fringed boots wasn’t hippie-tacky enough, someone had the bright idea to throw fringe all over the entire boot and remove the back. Not only is this boot ugly as hell, but it also serves no practical purpose whatsoever. Fail fail fail!
9. I love this boot. It is so mindnumbingly badly designed that it blows the mind. When I first saw it’s little thumbnail on the GoJane website, I thought it was a prosthetic limb. It has a bit at the bottom that looks like a brown suede loafer, then the rest of the boot is flesh coloured. Finally there’s a leopard print bit at the top that looks like a garter. WTF indeed.
10. This one actually looks familiar. I might have even made fun of it the previous time round, but whatever it is it’s still batshit ugly. The product of yet another failed marriage between a gladiator and high heels, the ick factor of this shoe is exacerbated by fact that it’s done over in a tacky shiny gold and snakeskin print. May the gods help us all.