I swear that every almost every fashion blog has at one point or another made fun of the long suffering cheap teens and juniors clothes seller GoJane.com. It’s not so much that practically everyone and their grandmother has heard about it (American Apparel and their overpriced clothes would be doomed then), but more because for such a mass market retailer, they have shown time and time again a remarkable lack of any discernible taste or classiness.
Hopefully some of you will not have noticed that JH’s been doing most of the posting as of late. This is largely because in the space break time I was given, I maximized it by being out of the house almost everyday. As a result I touched the computer less. When I was at the computer, I ran out of ideas about what to post (though I have seen some 8 movies in the last 1 week). So here is my very sad peace offering: GoJane terror shoes.
(From extreme upper left to the right, row by row)
1. I really hate this boot. It looks like someone took an Ugg and tried to make it more feminine with the addition of lace up details. Instead it now looks like the only thing holding it together is the damn lace. The extra height of the boot also serves to make it more shapeless and sexless than before. End result: just plainly bad
2. These look like Uggs with Leopard print. I don’t actually have that much against Uggs because they are supposedly the warmest thing ever, BUT OMGGG LEOPARD PRINT. If you take a look at the lot of the shoes I’ve chosen for this post, a lot of them are animal print. I HATE ANIMAL PRINT. This hate is not born out of some misguided and mistaken tree hugger movement, but years and years of associating them with white trash and ah lians (Singaporean white trash). Plus it is just plain t-a-c-k-y. Uggs and Leopard print? URGH.
3. Red and Gold Animal Printed Pumps. It’s Red and Gold, and it’s not an hong pao (Chinese New Year Red Packet). Plus it’s got animal print.
4. Diamond cut gladiators. I personally HATE the new movements of fierce and gladiator shoes. To me these are awful. It doesn’t help that the higher cut the gladiators are, the thinner your legs have to be to carry them off. This means that 99% of the female population should not be wearing them at all. With this pair of gladiators, don’t even try thinking that you can carry them off unless you’re a US Size 0. The diamond cut out also manages to be uglier than your average gladiator as well. Verdict: so, so bad.
5. It’s canvas, it’s lilac, it’s platformed and it’s just plain badly designed.
6. ANIMAL PRINT. RED. PLATFORM. TOE CUT IN. NO!
7. I don’t actually mind the colours and basic design of this shoe. It reminds me of a spectator crossed with an oxford. But nooo, they couldn’t leave good enough alone and had to change the design to ride the new wave of ‘fiece shoes’ by cutting out the damn sides, dooming this shoe to hell forever. Such senseless cruelty.
8. These oddly coloured boots are very high, therefore making them very hard to carry off unless you’re the aforementioned Size 0. These boots are also made further worse by the inclusion of some suspiciously familiar looking crown patterns smack across the centre. URGH.
9. There is so much wrong with this shoe. It’s got random cut ins at the side, fringes splayed across the top and a cut in at the toe box. It’s also a wedge heel, which serves to make the mess more awful.
10. ZEBRA PRINT FIERCE PLATFORM SHOES. A more nightmare of a shoe could not exist out there.
11. Firstly this shoe is gold. Secondly it’s a snakeskin print. Lastly it’s got a tasseled ankle fastening. I don’t think I need to elaborate so much on why the first two make the shoe fail in my books, but the last one begs for some explaining. The thing about ankle fastenings is that it serves to make the legs shorter than they already are. Unless you’re some supermodel with legs than go on forever, this is not going to be flattering on you. Then there is the issue of the tassels. Look at how they’re hanging! They’re more liable to be tickling your feet. When you’re wearing them they will also by lying flat, eliminating the very idea of fluidity and movement which the tassels are supposed to give the shoe. Epic fail.
12. Leopard print oxfords. Again a new twist on a common trend that just comes off as pain bad.
13. These shoes creep me out. I always have something against closely arranged circular objects in an irregular pattern. This means that random polka dots creep me out, giving me shudders and sudden itchiness in random spots. Don’t ask me why, I’m odd that way. In any case these purple rhinestone shoes look like a relic from the 1980s that should have stayed in the 1980s.
14. To quote Tim Gunn, “there are too many things going on here”. What looks like an ordinary boot is actually a design disaster. There are the random buckles covering the laces, then there is the buckle covering the laced up vamp of the shoe. Then the back of the boot is mysteriously missing, and so is the toe box of the damn boot. Then the laces themselves are criss-crossed all over the place, making it a nightmare to relace I presume. There are also rivets holding in the laces an finally there is the zipper across the length of the boot. This means there is practically every garment fastening contraption on this 1 poor overladen boot. The only thing it is missing are buttons.
15. This looks like a drunk rainbow vomited on it. Then a necromancer came by and animated the mess into a shoe. I also really hate how the upper strap has some odd green blob on it, like to highlight how unbearably garish and loud this shoe already is.
16. I think if I fell down in this shoe I’d sprain something, if not breaking a bone here or there. The ankle fastenings are hideous and unflattering to the average female, then the heels are crazily high and GOLD.
17. This shoe is yet another one of those deceptive ones. This is because at first sight they look okay, then on closer examination you realise it’s missing cloth around the lace and toe box area. I don’t really understand the concept of cut ins on boots, like the bootie trends and such. It’s a damn boot. You wear it when it’s cold out – so why make random holes?! It’s a real pity too, if this boot didn’t have the cut ins, it’d look really great and Victorian style. Now it’s just an unloved mess.
In defense of GoJane however, there are some stuff I would actually buy from them. Their cheap prices are also good to the pockets of poor students like me. Some of their stuff however, is just plain wtf?!